How THAT Taken speech would have actually happened

" I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; Ski.."

"What? Like a baker?"

"Uh, no...skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skil..."

"Do you fix iPhone screens, 'cause mine has a  crack right down..."

"Please, listen to me...I have skills that make me a nightmare for people li..."

"What the fuck are you talking about? Spit it out, man. If there's something you need me to know?"

"Well, look, I'm trying to be somewhat enigmatic here...So, if you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it..."

"What are you saying? That you're some kind of super CIA assassin or something?"

"...I will not look for you, I will not pursue you..."

"So that is it? You're a dick-down-to-your-knees certified badass muthafucka?"

"...But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you..."

"Yes, I get that. Why didn't you just say 'Oh hai, there seems to be some mistake, you're attempting to kidnap the daughter of a goddamned CIA serial killer'? 

I'll let her go immediately."

"What?"

"Look, man. I run a business and the last thing I need is a pissed off cold-blooded, psycho, karate, ninja, assassin soccer-dad after me and my boys. There's no need. Hundreds of fuckable teen girls come to Paris every day. We'll nab a couple of Australians or something. Better yet, some Kiwis. They haven't got any ninja assassins working for them, they don't even have an airforce."

"Now, hang on a second. Did I mention my skills? My long career. You know I've been retired for a bit. I've kinda missed it all, a bit..."

"What? Now you want me to kidnap her? Listen up.  I wouldn't even have picked her and her friend if I'd known they were American. I'm not a moron. I know you fucks in the USA think we Eastern Europeans are a bunch of two tooth yokels, but we do have education systems in our countries. Hell, I'll bet my English is better than your Khazakfuckingstani!"

"Well, my Khazakstani isn't too bad..."

"Shut the fuck up. As I was saying , I'm no fool. Stealing a young, BLOND, American girl is just about the dumbest thing imaginable. Even if their father wasn't Chuck fucking Norris.It's not going to be only you out to get me. Her picture will be blasted on every fucking news channel on the planet. I mean look at her, she's a fucking super model. I could steal ten thousand Arab children and it wouldn't even make it to the little scrolling bar at the bottom of the screen. You'd be reading about finding the Higgs boson before ever knowing ten thousand dark kids were kidnapped. But your daughter would be on the screen 24 fucking 7.  And I'd have every single US agent, soldier and mercenary, not to mention pissed off ex-mass murderer fathers, on my arse. I wouldn't be able to take a shit without worrying some drone will nuke me through the fucking sewers.

So, please, with my blessings, have your daughter back. Good day."

 "...and I will kill you."

What have I done?

Google+ and Blogger integration?!?!Interrobang‽


What does it mean?


Did I mention I'm like 20 scenes away from finishing the first draft (well, second attempt at a first draft) of my first novel? 112,000 words down, 10-20,000 left to go.


I think I'll savour the run in and take a couple of years to finish it.

Update

Goals still on track. Which is still spectacularly unbelievable.

The trip to France was fantastic and proof that a month off a year is absolutely needed.

Health is good. Teeth are good. Fitness is good.

Despite the demons in my mind trying to tell me otherwise, life is good. If I were to list everything I wanted out of life, I'd have most of it.

I am the greatest tweeter

I just posted what I (humbly) believe to be my defining tweet: https://twitter.com/#!/sachagroves/status/129691130668392448

"I've started a new Web 2.0 enterprise. It's an asocial network. You aren't invited."

Only after I had smugly told myself how brilliant I was did I notice that is was my 1,111th tweet.

11:11

Reality is bullshit.

4219

Just received a 419 scam claiming to be from Gaddafi's daughter. Which I find simply and amazingly entertaining. It's interesting to me that the scammers are trying to keep up with current events.

What next? Surely the tack to take would be to fake celebrities asking for help? That'd grab a much larger percentage of the moron set. What does Joe Gamblingdebt care for the plight of Miss Gaddafi? He's probably never heard of Libby Ya. On the other hand, what if Wesley Snipes wrote to him to ask for help with a slight tax problem he's having? Or, um (my celebrity knowledge is piffling to low), one of those Kardomonians or whatever the hell they are?

But that got me really thinking.Where are the social engineering scams targeted at nerds and geeks? They hold all the passwords and, in general, a metric fraktonne of disposable income (I base that not on facts, but on average cost of cosplay costume + convention tickets + average airfare). Do the scammers think that, as targets, they are too difficult to fool? I seriously doubt that. Just ask George Lucas.

The scammers need to get with the program. Mr Eko Mungabungewe contacting me asking for help with a financial transaction doesn't interest me. "+Wil Wheaton or +Felicia Day needs your help!"? Hmmm, maybe I'm clicking on it, but probably not opening an attachment.

However, and I'm probably setting myself up here, this might work, even on me:

Dear sir,

My name is Douglas Adams. You may know me from my works in science fiction humour, animal conservation and Apple evangelism. Many years ago I faked my death as I was tired of phone calls with Hollywood executives about my Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy script and, frankly, the response my last book received on the internet.

I know, I'm sorry, I'm not proud of it.

Faking my death, that is. Not Mostly Harmless.

I found your name using a complicated algorithm designed personally by Steve Jobs (eh-hem, he isn't dead either) to trawl the internet, specifically social networks, for people who I felt could aid my cause.

You see, and I apologise sincerely for hard selling you, I wasn't careful enough about managing my finances for my extended retirement and have found myself, how does one put it?, skint as a dead dingo's donger. I may have mixed my colourful metaphors there.

If you are willing, I'm asking for your aid in moving some money from my deceased estate to an account I have in Nigeria. Which is in Africa, you may not have heard of it. When I next don the fedora, nose prosthetic and dark glasses, which is an effective yet terribly clichéd disguise, to visit my Lagorian banker I would be happy to impart 30% of the total to you.

Please contact me urgently at doglesehdem@scamthefirstworld.ng

Your friend,

Douglas Adams

Update

Goals are all on track!

I've put my life on a much better track and I'm actually shocked, SHOCKED, I've managed what I have.

I walk to and from work.

I've kept to my version of the Slow Carb Diet (Thanks, Tim Ferris!).

I do Kinect workouts, 20 mins a day min, 4 days a week. Currently, UFC Personal Trainer is fucking me in my abs.

I write a scene of my novel 4 days a week.

I'm spending 5 weeks in France at the end of the year. Flights are booked and the current plan is something like this:

Paris -> Nantes -> Pornic -> La Rochelle -> Bordeaux -> Rocamadour -> Cahors -> Toulouse -> Perpignan -> Montpellier -> Avignon -> Sanary -> Chamonix

2 nights in each place, many of them places I have in my novel (research!!!). A few days in Sanary and nearly a week in Chamonix.

Goals

They need to be written somewhere.

Be a writer.
3 novels at final draft level in next 10 years.
Self-publish. Kindle. Smashwords.
1 month, preferably 2, vacation a year in OS city.
Keep improving cooking.
Stick to slow carb diet, works well.
Improve fitness.
Regular doctor, regular dentist, regular physio. Keep all three at "checkup" levels.

Wow

http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/fy6yz/51_hours_left_to_live/

e-book self publishing

http://jakonrath.blogspot.com/2011/03/guest-post-by-jon-f-merz.html

Something to remember down the track. I'm already sold on Kindle (haven't read a paper book in over a year, 30 or so e-books in that time) and was already planning on self publishing when my first novel is done (in 2 years, believe it).

http://lifehacker.com/5735895/how-to-publish-your-book-on-amazon-kindle

Deepwater Horizon

I wrote this short story Feb 18th 2010, 3 days after BP's Deepwater Horizon began drilling in the Gulf. This was a couple of months before the drill exploded and caused the largest disaster in human history. A disaster that some are saying may lead to the end of the human race. Have we cut down the last tree?

The Last Tree by Sacha

John was in his favourite place to sit and think; at the edge of the sea cliff that jutted out behind his small, cosy house. The sea breeze and the sound of the waves below calmed him. He needed calming. The sun was setting now, which meant it was nearly time to head over to the council chambers and put forward his case. He looked up at the clearly visible moon and noted how different it looked now, compared to when he was little, so many years ago. Before they started mining it. He went over his facts and arguments one more time. They had to believe him. So much was at stake. John consoled himself that no one would be to blame if he failed. There would be no one left to blame.

*

"John, you're not seriously going through with this charade, are you?". It was Jacob Reardon who said this, stepping out from behind one of the marble columns scattered about the entrance hall of the council chambers.

"You know I have to Jacob. You might not believe me, but maybe they will. If you'd only listen to some sense, my data is conclusive. I'd be happy to help you find another way." John replied, hoping to see some kind of change of heart behind Jacob's cold, all-business eyes. But they hardened instead.

"You'll be the laughing stock of the entire scientific community after this", Jacob stabbed. It was all he had to say before the ceremonial bell sounded to indicate the council was now in session.

*

From his position in the centre of the council benches, Reardon was gesticulating wildly and had started shouting down at John, who was seated in what was usually a defendant's booth in criminal trials.

"You claim that the detonation of explosives at the Reardon Power lunar mining facility will cause some kind of magic chain reaction that will split the moon in two. You sit there having once been my chief researcher before I fired you for improper conduct and you believe my fellow councillors should accede to your request to delay this vital procedure. It's preposterous!", Jacob screamed.

Trying to appeal to the other council members by looking at them each in turn, John replied. "Please, if you'd just look over the data. It's conclusive. The ore is highly volatile and runs all the way through the moon. If you turn to page---"

"Fifteen other studies have shown there to be no danger what so ever!", screamed Reardon.

"Those studies were paid for by Reardon Power---", pleaded John.

"Conducted by respected members of the scientific community!" Reardon threw his hands in the air and for a moment John thought he might reach down and start ripping his hair out.

"Surely the issue is really whether it's worth the risk of taking that chance."

"THE RISK! Of course it's worth it. Look around you." Reardon gestured towards all existence. "The lights, the chairs, the walls. All created using Reardon Power. None of this exists with out that ore."

*

They were both in the entrance hall again, Reardon having to excuse himself as chief council due to his conflict of interest. They were waiting for the other council members to finish deliberating. John was hopeful. 

"You're an idiot, John", Reardon said, his voice still raised. "You know I run the council and they know you're only doing this to get back at me."

"Jacob, that's not it at all. I'm sure about this. It's nothing to do with you and me. If you go ahead with this, it's the end. Of everything, Jacob. You're willing to risk that and listen to your bullshit yes men, simply because you're nearly out of ore to sell and you're under pressure. It's sick!"

Reardon started speaking more softly, changing tack in an attempt to persuade rather than badger. "You know, when the first nuclear bomb was tested, there were people like you saying the entire atmosphere would ignite. It didn't happen. We're still here."

John steeled himself, he had one last chance. "Let me tell you a story too, Jacob. There was once an island in the Pacific, probably under water now, where the inhabitants lived on fish from the sea and fruit from the trees growing on the island. One season was particularly harsh and they believed that cutting down one or two fruit trees would appease their gods. You see they needed the logs to help construct statues to honour their gods. 

"It didn't work, so they kept cutting the trees down until there was only one left. I'm sure you can picture the scene. A bunch of the important people from the island got together in council and had a chat. Someone like me was telling them it was foolish to cut down the tree, as they needed the fruit to survive. They probably discussed the pros and cons for hours but in the end they came to a decision. They cut down the last tree and you know what happened?"

"What?"

"They all died."

*

Looking out over the cliff, breathing in the sea air and letting the sounds of the waves calm him, John felt a strange sense of satisfaction. He had failed to convince the council, but it was OK. Any race or species willing to cut down the last tree wasn't worth saving. And besides, he was a scientist and what was about to come would certainly be something that no one had seen before: the end of the world. It began with John looking up at the most amazing sight: the moon was falling from the sky.

Fucking Gay

You have to wonder what internet trolls did in the times before there were the interwebs to troll.

Wow Architect

Click your heels

So I'm heading back to OZ.

I have my plane ticket, but do I have my plan?

Yes, I think I do. Coming to France and spending time here hasn't been what I had hoped and expected. But it has been what I've needed. I've rediscovered myself. It's amazing what throwing yourself in the deep end, alone, can do. You see how yourself as you are, not how other people reflect you.

I'm going to continue with my I.T. consulting business, hopefully making a bit of cash without taking up all my time. And I'm going to write novels. It's what I want to do. It excites me. It's a cliche, but it holds great appeal to me.

I'm going to try very hard to keep the walking up. I've lost a metric fuck tonne of weight here, walking 2-4 hours a day and only eating when I'm hungry. Works a charm. I may even invest in a bike. We'll see. I don't have a car anymore, for one thing!

Can I make my dreams a living? We'll see.

Time

I'm walking along. An old lady is coming the other way. She may be older than time itself. She looks like she's been walking her whole life. She has perhaps never stopped walking. She nears me. She stops walking. She gives me a blurry stare. I'm dressed all in black. It's dusk. She probably thinks I'm Death. Greeting her at last. At long last. I keep walking. I walk past her. Disinterested. She starts walking again. Disappointed.

Ok, enough with the spostas

2 hour walk in beautiful 20 degrees Parisian spring afternoon sunshine will do marvels. Enough with the damn bad moods. Moods are for cattle! And enough with the supposed tos. I came here to get away from what I was supposed to do.

Well, I'm not supposed to be a penniless writer. But that's what I am and will be. I need to focus on the writing. Enough of this "must find a job" malarkey. I can afford to stay here until July when my mother and sister come. I'll go back to Sydney then. In the meantime, that's 3 months of focussing on writing my novel, freelance web writing and some travel/videoing. That is, what I came here to do.

I've listened to too many people since I've arrive here. They all say I'm supposed to find a nice desk job, doing what I'm supposed to do: I.T. Well, I'm done with advice. It's (and I.T.'s) not what I want.

I need to remember GeekChill, my geek recipe site. It's my way of staying connected to I.T. and keep my web skills up, or more correctly get them back up as I'm 5 years out of practice.

Just typing this has made me feel better.

32 and don't know what to do

Yes, the angst continues. I feel like a 15 year old. But then again, I'm not sure I put this much effort into angsting back then. Maybe it's just my time.

I don't know what to do with myself. Come on, sing it. I JUST DON'T KNOOOOW WHAT TO DOOO WITH MYSELF. I want to be a writer. But I feel, deep down, and the mysterious "they" tell me that working full time and trying to be a writer at the same time is impossible.

I'm in Paris, paying rent, and currently flipping burgers part-time for a bit of cash. I hate it. Yes, that makes me a prima donna but I just don't want to do it. I'm going to hold out until I get myself a social security number, then allow my lovely little English pub to take my job and shove it. This hurts my ego, as I thought I could handle most things, but it's too boring, and too damaging to my delicate frame!

So, I'm in the position of desperately seeking a full time I.T. desk job. Which I had turned my back on in OZ! Just so I can stay here as long as possible.

But if I do that, the writing will suffer. And being a writer was/is the plan. It IS the plan. The pessimist in me (which fills roughly 87% of the space) can't see this future ever happening, but for once I want to get to the failure without quitting first. I want to write this damn novel, write online articles, write on this blog and all that and commit to it.

Can't do that when I have to pay rent. Hmmmm. Time to go for a walk and think things through.

Back in a bit.

A Primer for Online Flash Games

Over the last half decade the fastest growing type of gaming entertainment has surely been online flash games. This has been due to the public's increasing (re)interest in casual gaming. That is, games that do not take a significant time or effort outlay to enjoy. With lives getting busier and time becoming more and more a precious resource, casual gaming is where it's at.

Flash, as a platform, has evolved to be the perfect medium for casual gaming. Flash allows the creation of graphics and animation applications that run inside your web browser and is a very mature technology supported by virtually every browser.

Most games are graphically simple and do not require a powerful computer to play. Flash does, however, support 3D graphics and so more and more games that need a bit of grunt are becoming available.

Listed here are a few of the main players in the online flash gaming world.

www.facebook.com
While not strictly a developer of flash games, Facebook has become the de-facto platform for online flash game delivery. Facebook features an amazing array of flash games, all tied to your Facebook account and designed to enhance your social networking. Most popular games fall into the strategy and role playing genres. Examples of the former are any number of Farm or Restaurant management games, while the latter include Fantasy, Crime and Sci-fi RPGs.

Shockwave.com

Originally a showcase site for Flash by its developers, shockwave.com is now owned by MTV networks and features a large variety of online games. The games are sorted into categories such as Puzzle, Action, Strategy etc and there is a game for whatever your mood may be.

Zynga.com
Zynga are the developers of many of the most popular flash games on Facebook, however their selection is available from their own website also. Their games include the very popular Zynga Poker and FarmVille.

Just about everywhere else

Almost all entertainment sites will feature a section with flash games. The major portals and TV and Film studio websites often feature games related to popular movies, tv shows and culture in general. If there is something you are passionate about, there will certainly be a flash game out there perfectly matched to your interest.

Casual flash games are typically fun to play, addictive and do not require much time investment. They are perfect to while away a few minutes at a time. Be warned, however, like any game, you may find yourself returning to games you love again and again and losing track of time.

Great Place to Visit: La Défence, Paris, France

La Défense is a suburb of Paris, France. Located roughly 2 kilometres from Paris's western border, it serves as the main business district of Paris. While it may not be the main attraction for tourists looking for typical Parisian sights, its architecture of skyscrapers is completely different from Paris itself and offers a change for the curious traveller.

Featuring a layout of gigantic business blocks around large open courtyards, with many cute walkways and passage ways connecting the buildings, La Défense is a great place to visit for those who like a long walk.

The main feature of La Défense, naturally situated at its centre is the incredible "Grande Arche". This office building, completed in 1989 is designed as a giant archway, to mirror the Arc de Triomphe which can be seen on the horizon. Views from the top of the Grande Arche can be had for those who enjoy heights. Underneath this giant archway is a popular area for people to sit and admire the view over Paris. Just in front is a large public area, known as "Le Parvis", that features live shows and entertainment all year round.

For the lovers of shopping, there are two main shopping areas in La Défense, both with their main entrances off Le Parvis: CNIT, which features up-market shopping, dining and the technology store FNAC and Le Quatre Temps, which is a large multi level shopping centre with fast food restaurants, supermarkets and department stores.

The atmosphere of La Défense is quite different to the loud hustle and bustle of Paris itself. While there are always lots of people moving about, the acoustics of the layout and the business nature of the talk lends a certain whisper to the ambient noise. The entire area feels like a mountain of concrete and steel and offers a futuristic change to the historic Paris.

La Défense is surrounded, however, by traditional Parisien suburbs. To the East, on the way back into Paris, is Neuilly-sur-seine, an up-market residential area. If you head that way, be sure to stop off at the picturesque island on the Seine, underneath the Pont de Neuilly. To the north and south are the suburbs of Corbevoie and Puteux and both feature typical Parisian restaurants and sights. To the west is Nanterre, primarily a university district.

Getting to La Défense couldn't be simpler, as it is the last stop on the busiest Metro line, the number 1, although at the morning and evening rush hours, it will be jam packed. Alternatively, it's a 30 minute walk from the Arc de Triomphe in a straight line. Just head straight towards the Grande Arche, ever present on the horizon.

Movie Review: The Golden Compass

Rubbish.

To be fair, I had only just finished reading the book when I saw the movie, so the differences may have been more glaring than they should have been. However, the movie couldn't have been more different in its understanding of the book to my understanding.

The filmmakers seemed hell bent on bending the story of The Golden Compass to fit some kind of Harry Potter/Lord of the Rings mould, with snarling villains, deux ex machina plot points and a motley crew of characters. It didn't fit, so it broke. They would have been better served trying to follow the emotional journey of the book, with its incredibly poignant relationship between the humans and their mystical soul companions called daemons, rather than forcing a Hollywood plot out of it.

I imagine the film might work for those who haven't read the book, but I'm not sure what they would learn from the movie, as all the plot subtleties have been subsumed by special effects.

The most poignant part of the book, for example, was a scene where the heroine, Lyra, and her daemon Pan, try to get as far a way from each other as possible. This causes them both physical and emotional pain and as Pan tries desperately to reach his goal, stretching the mystical bond between Lyra and himself further and further, they give up and come back together, hugging and weeping at the ordeal of being so far apart. This makes a scene later on when the villains of the piece are attempting to cut Lyra and Pan apart for good sickening in its cruelty, as we know what's at stake.

Of course, that first scene isn't in the movie. The second is, but it has no feeling. Meanwhile, the filmmakers think it's more important to spend a fortune showing two CGI armoured bears fighting. That fight is in the book, but the stakes involved are much more important than in the movie. The plot has been re jigged and the reasons for the bear fight are meaningless.

Finally, the book ends on a tragic note, although setting up for its sequel. The movie sets up for its sequel on an terribly fabricated happy note, which I think has guaranteed no sequel will be forth coming.

Hollywood. Please try again when all memory of this version has been lost.

Movie Review: Lost in Translation

This review has been a long time coming.

Not because I watched Lost in Translation when everyone else did, I didn't. I only just finally got round to it recently. I don't know how I managed to miss it. I love Bill Murray and, as you probably know, everyone else saw it and everyone else thought it was great. That might actually be why I haven't seen it. I haven't seen Juno yet, either.

So anyway, I'm 16,968 kilometres from most of my DVDs, so I've leaped boldly into the world of iTunes movie downloads. It's a strange world, seemingly plucked from a past where movies have no subtitle or audio options and full screen playback seems to take 5 - 10 minutes to sort itself out before actually showing me the movie I'm trying to watch.

I figured Lost in Translation would be a good starting point, given from what I knew of the plot: Bill Murray and Scarlett Johanssen are lost souls who connect with one another in a foreign city. I'm in a foreign city. My soul is lost. Must be the movie for me. Plus, it was $10. Which pretty much sells itself when you are broke and unemployed and living off your credit card.

So, on to the review, which has now been even longer coming as I'm typing this freeform and tangents are flowing. What I knew of the plot was pretty much spot on. Yes, Bill Murray is in it. He plays Bill Murray, except a bit less successful and with some incredibly poignant comedy acting rather than the usual Bill Murrayisms. Also, Scarlett Johanssen is in it, before she got all big and starry. They are both awesome and I'm frankly attracted to both of them. They are lost souls in Tokyo, as expected. They forge a strong friendship, bordering on a romance. The movie is clever that way. Both characters know deep down that while their lost souls may be soul mates, it may just be the setting that makes it work.

I was hoping to find some personal meaning or something to help me deal with my personal case of lost in translation. But really, I don't have much in common with an ageing millionaire movie star or the spouse of a successful photographer. But I got more out of the movie than I was expecting. It has an overall sense of psychological maturity and truth that is very compelling. The two leads are amazing and the age difference just doesn't become an issue. I often enjoy "moments in time" stories such as this. The two characters have an amazing few days together and then its over. The memories, the sheer fact that such moments are possible, will tide them over for the rest of their lives.

I thought I'd be self conscious about Sophia Coppola's direction, it's the first movie of hers I've watched, but she is very adept at her craft. A lot of the movie feels like the travel movies we all make with our digital cameras and, while that could be a clunky choice, it isn't as it gives the audience the common grounding of travelling in a strange city.

I loved it.