I need to fill up some space. I use this site as a bookmark store, and quite frankly I am sick of seeing that picture I did with the guy shooting up. I hate needles, and I think the point has been made, in my mind at the very minimum.
But how to take up space with absolutely nothing to say? Why talk to myself at all? This post is not designed to be read, it is designed to be worn. Like a cashmir. From Cashmir. Or Ungutu.
The timetable for moving into the ChasDigs (that is, the new abode) has been bumped forward to December. I don't want to get stuck in a year lease that won't run out until 2006. I may be in Melbore by then. Or I may not be. But in the latter case, I will be unemployed again. It took 8 months to find work last time (although 4 months of that was detox/mental recovery). 8 months! Fucking ridiculous. There is nothing more soothing to the soul than not being offered even an interview to the lowest paid menial local government job. Makes one feel good. Great even.
How much space is too much about the right amount of space? How far in not too far enough? How dyslexic am I? I type what I am thinking, read over it and find complete words are wrong. So, instead of writing "right", I have somehow written "having" or something. And it is never a word I was about to right that slipped in there as I think a few words ahead of what I am typing. Doesn't make sense. Which is the way I like it. Sense is for those uncomfortable with entropy. Not having an answer or a theory or an opinion about somthing is bliss for me.
Not lunch time yet. Just past pistachio time. In amongst Green Tea time. Must get some work done, even though I spent the last two days in a flurry of activity and don't really have much to get on with. I work like that. Like a typhoon. Or a hurricane. Or a marmot.
Speaking of marmots, do I need any stationery? Could I be any more stationary? I haven't moved in 2 hours. I hate my chair. My phone will ring soon, I can sense it. It is its des-tin-y. "Produce wireframe mockups" is due from our web developers today. Where is it? Huh? I don't mind not having anything to do, but I do feel anxious when I am sitting around doing nothing waiting for others so I can do something. Oh well, good chance to get some meditation in. Ahhh, that's better. The trick to any ailment, especially anxiety is to target it and stare it down. Much like knotted muscles can be relaxed once you realise the pain is giving your mind an excellent pinpoint for sending the relaxation drones.
Why do I even bother writing this shit down? Why do I feel the need to write at all? I don't, but I find it intersting to go back and read what I have written. It seems to act as a placeholder for mental states. I never manage to write what I want, but the words do trigger the thoughts again later on. That is interesting. And given I have the memory of a bullet riddled, swiss cheese, sponge like sieve, memory aids are allright in my book.
How about you?
2 comments:
Hi Chas you sound just about as inspired as I am! Rave on, who cares eh, you're a good writer. Do you know that there is a law of negative entropy? which is? Potentiality exceeds actuality. Don't suppose I'm telling you anything you didn't already fully realise. Yes blogs are good to record ideas for later expansion perhaps. Chin up, life is relentless and dearly wants to be good, its us the fuckups that are the fuckups. But as a therapist once told me, there is more to life than people. (that probably hasn't helped, it didn't help me at the time, even though its true).
Negative entropy!!! I have never heard that before, THAT IS BRILLIANT!!! When I read that, I went into one of those meditative trance states where you feel like you are one small step away from figuring it all out, achieving some kind of enlightenment. Frustrating though, as its gone now. Like waking from the best dream you ever had only to have forgotten it before you can tell anyone or write it down.
This is why I blog. Writing things down, anything, seems to...hmmm, I can't put my finger on it. It is sort of cathartic, but not quite. It seems to organise the mental processes, but not really. Putting ideas on a website feels like it clears space in the mind, but it doesn't as it is really filling it up some more.
It is all interesting, anyway. I remember now why I blog and read blogs. I am looking for enlightenment. I used to have that written at the top of my blog to remind me. May have to reinstitute that.
Thank you.
Post a Comment